Est. 19██
Algernon Properties
Building Dreams. One Card at a Time.
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Our Vision & Commitment to Ex̴̢͝c̷̱̿e̴̬̓l̶̰̽l̴̗̈́ence
At Algernon Properties, we pride ourselves on constructing premium residential developments using our proprietary architectural methodology. For over three dec— for many years, we have been leaders in the field of innovative construction techniques that prioritize both aesthetic sophistication and structural... structural...
Our commitment to quality is unwavering. Each residence is carefully assembled by our team of highly trained craftspeople who understand the delicate nature of our building materials. The playing cards— we mean, the specialized laminated panels — are sourced from the finest manufacturers and treated with weather-resistant coatings that ensure longevity and dur̸̲̽a̶̰͊b̴̬̈́i̷̱̓l̴̗̈́ḭ̶̽t̷̰̿y̴̢͝.
We bel̴ieve in tr̸ansparency and cl̶ient sat̷isfact̴ion above all el̸se. Our pr̴oper̶ties stand as test̷aments to wh̸at can be ach̴ieved when v̶ision meets craf̸tsm̷ansh̴ip meets c̶a̷r̴d̶s̸ c̴a̶r̷d̴s̸ c̷a̴r̶d̷s̸

Customer Satisfaction: 9█% of clients report being "mostly pleased" with their card— their residences.
Featured Developments
Explore our portfolio of distinctive properties, each one a masterpiece of careful construction and refined design sensibility.
The Vermillion E̴s̷t̶a̸t̴e̷s̸
Eighteen luxury units featuring cathedral ceilings and imported marble— no wait, we don't use marble, we use the cards, the cards are the thing we use for everything including the f̸l̷o̴o̶r̷s̸ w̴a̶l̷l̸s̸ r̶o̷o̴f̸s̸ d̷r̶e̴a̶m̸s̷
Meridian T̶o̷w̴e̸r̷s̸
A thirty-seven story monument to ambition. Features include floor-to-ceiling windows, concierge service, and revolutionary card-stacking techniques that allow residents to hear the building breathing at night.
The ████ Collection
We cannot quite remember what we named this development but it exists we think. Twelve units. Or possibly fourteen. The h̸o̷u̴s̶e̷s̸ s̴w̸a̷y̶ g̶e̴n̷t̸l̴y̶ i̶n̷ t̴h̷e̸ w̶i̸n̴d̷.
Our Construction P̴r̷o̶c̸e̷s̴s̸
01
Site Preparation
We begin by clearing the land and establishing a perfectly level foundation. The ground must be still. Utterly still. No wind. No tremors. No breath.
02
Framework Assembly
Our master builders carefully position each card at precise angles, creating load-bearing structures that defy conventional physics and several laws of thermodynamics.
03
Interior F̴i̷n̶i̸s̷h̸i̶n̷g̸
Walls are papered with aces and kings. Ceilings adorned with jokers. The faces watch. They always watch. Red and black and red and black and r̸e̷d̶ a̴n̷d̸ b̶l̷a̸c̷k̶ a̴n̷d̸
04
Quality Assurance
Before delivery, each property undergoes rigorous testing for stability, weather resistance, and resistance to the inevitable collapse that awaits all things built from wishes and paper and lies.
Meet Our Leadership T̶e̷a̸m̴
Charles Algernon
Chief Executive Officer
Charles founded Algernon Properties in 19██ after a career in conventional construction left him feeling... left him... we're sorry, we cannot quite recall what left him feeling. His vision transformed the industry and also transformed something else, something we used to know the word for.
He enjoys golf and reading and watching the structures t̸r̷e̶m̸b̷l̴e̸ i̶n̷ t̴h̷e̸ m̶o̸o̷n̶l̴i̸g̷h̸t̶.
Dr. Margaret ████████
Director of Structural Integrity
Dr. ████████ holds advanced degrees in architectural engineering and materials science from prestigious universities whose names we can no longer pronounce. She has pioneered numerous innovations in card-based construction techniques.
Her research papers include "Lateral Load Distribution in Fifty-Two Unit Systems" and "Why Do They Keep F̴a̷l̶l̸i̷n̶g̸ Why Won't They S̶t̷o̸p̴ F̶a̸l̷l̴i̶n̷g̸"
Note: Additional executive profiles are temporarily unavailable as we cannot remember who else works here or if anyone works here or if we ourselves are real.
Client T̴e̷s̶t̸i̷m̴o̶n̷i̸a̶l̷s̸
The Henderson Family
"We absolutely love our new home from Algernon Properties. The craftsmanship is extraordinary and the attention to detail is remarkable. Sometimes at night we hear the walls whispering but overall we are very s̸a̷t̶i̴s̸f̷i̶e̸d̴ very s̷a̶t̴i̸s̶f̷i̸e̷d̶ very—"
Thomas M.
"I purchased a unit in Meridian Towers last spring. The views are spectacular. The building sways gently in strong winds which the sales team assures me is normal and safe and n̸o̷r̶m̸a̷l̴ a̶n̷d̸ s̴a̷f̶e̸ a̷n̸d̶ why is everything made of c̴a̷r̶d̸s̷"
Sarah ████
"Living here has been a dream. Or possibly a nightmare. We can no longer distinguish between the two states. The queen of hearts watches us sleep. We are happy. We must be happy. We p̸a̷i̶d̸ s̴o̶ m̷u̸c̶h̷ m̴o̸n̷e̶y̸."
By The Numbers
Our track record speaks for itself. Here are some statistics that demonstrate our commitment to excellence and our complete inability to remember what any of these numbers actually m̸e̷a̶n̴.
847
Properties Built
Or possibly destroyed. The distinction has become unclear.
12K
Happy Residents
Current count. Does not include those who have f̸o̷r̶g̸o̷t̶t̴e̶n̸ they live here.
3█
Years in Business
We think. Time has become somewhat negotiable.
0
Structural Failures
This number is accurate and we stand by it despite all evidence to the contrary.
94%
Buildings still standing after first year
67%
Residents who retain ability to speak coherently
23%
Staff members who remember their own n̸a̷m̶e̸s̴
Begin Your Journey With A̴l̷g̶e̸r̷n̴o̶n̸ P̴r̷o̶p̸e̷r̶t̴i̷e̸s̷
We invite you to explore the possibilities of card-based luxury living. Our sales team is standing by to answer your questions and guide you through our available properties. They remember most of the details. Some of the details. Please hurry. The wind is picking up.
Contact us today to schedule a private tour of any of our developments. See for yourself the extraordinary craftsmanship and innovative design that makes Algernon Properties the leader in residential construction using playing cards as the primary structural element.
Office Hours: Monday-Friday, 9AM-5PM
Phone: (███) ███-████
Email: flo̶we̷█@al̸g̶e̷r̴n̸o̶n̷.p̴r̸o̶p̸e̷r̶t̴i̸e̷s̶
"Every house is a house of cards. We simply have the courage to admit it."
— Charles Algernon (probably)

Special Offer: Sign a lease this month and receive complimentary wind insurance for your first year. Terms and conditions apply. Structures may c̸o̷l̶l̸a̷p̶s̸e̴ without warning.
Algernon Properties LLC © 20██. All rights reserved. Some rights f̸o̷r̶g̸o̷t̶t̴e̶n̸. Please remember us. Please r̸e̷m̶e̸m̷b̶e̴r̸ a̷n̶y̴t̷h̸i̶n̷g̸.